You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
