The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize