Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
