she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize