So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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