Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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