dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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