I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
