omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
