just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
