its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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