At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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