well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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