I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
