i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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