i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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