he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
