Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
YAS. BRING CRAB.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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