So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Randomize
