apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
