He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
