I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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