Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize