you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
