i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
