First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
