oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
