just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
