It's like God shit irony all over that family
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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