someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
