I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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