just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I pour the whiskey from now on
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
ok first of all what the fuck
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
