Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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