dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
