You were right. It hurts to walk today.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
