We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
