Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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