i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
