Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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