Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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