My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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