Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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