Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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