The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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