I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Randomize
