I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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