I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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