My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
