Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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