So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
