I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
