You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
where are you?
Hypothermia
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
