Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
