Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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