Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
