ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
