dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
