Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I love you. Go after that dick
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
