I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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