broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize