my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
