I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
