my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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