I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
