i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
