He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
