so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
