Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
