My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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