yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
